Here’s one of the big differences between the real world and the reality TV of “The Real Housewives of Orange County.”
In the real world, it’s a good thing, as Martha Stewart might say, to be called a friend.
But in the reality of the “Housewives,” and especially in the mouth of a very angry housewife, that might be the most cutting putdown of all. Housewives are Olympians, you see. Friends of housewives? Mere mortals, with less airtime and smaller paychecks.
Shannon Storms Beador is very, very angry as the second of three reunion shows for “The Real Housewives of Orange County” gets underway. She knows that joining the reunion this hour is Alexis Bellino, who on this 18th season of the series that, for better or worse, launched this whole franchise, has been Shannon’s biggest nemesis.
Shannon, you’ll recall, dated John Janssen for four years until last year. Then John met Alexis, who had been a fulltime housewife on Season 5 through Season 8 when she was replaced by Shannon.
When Alexis returned to the series this season – as a “friend of” the housewives, – she and John were a hot item.
In the final segment of the episode, Alexis walked onstage to a snarky welcome from Bravo host Andy Cohen and the first of many eyerolls from Shannon.
After a bit of chit-chat – she and John are engaged, she’s happy to be back – Andy asks for an update on the lawsuit that John brought against Shannon. Shannon says that while she does not believe she owes him the $75,000 the suit is asking for, she’d offered him $70,000 to make it go away.
“That’s a really hard thing for me to do,” she says, getting emotional. “But I said I would give him $70,000, and he wouldn’t sign the non-disclosure agreement, which Emily can confirm is standard.”
Housewife Emily Simpson is an attorney, which gets mentioned often on the show. If “attorney” was the word in a drinking game, you’d be as drunk as Tamra Judge, said she was when the dinner party at Katie Ginella’s house was shot this season.
“I was just plastered,” Tamra says. “I didn’t even remember the next day. I don’t ever want to be like that again.”
Back to the Shannon-Alexis showdown. There’s an argument too confusing to explain.
The other housewives accuse Alexis of being her boyfriend’s “mouthpiece” and repeating things he’s said.
“You have a really strange relationship with the truth!” Alexis shouts at Shannon.
“That’s exactly what John said,” Emily says about Alexis’s last line as an archival clip arrives showing Alexis repeating Johnny J’s comments on Shannon from a few episodes back.
“Stop being John’s mouthpiece!” Shannon yells.
“I have to!” Alexis replies without any explanation of why she must.
As the bickering continues, Emily and Gina eventually start to lose it and are laughing.
But then, as Shannon tells Alexis she should have never come back on the series if she was dating John Janssen, and Alexis replies that Shannon could also have quit the show, things get good again.
“It’s my job. I’ve been here 10 years,” Shannon says.
“And this is my job, too,” Alexis replies.
“I took your job 10 years ago and I’m still sitting here!” Shannon shouts.
“And I came back 10 years later, didn’t I?” Alexis smirks.
“Yeah, as a friend!” Shannon says, sticking the I’m-a-housewife-and-you’re-not shiv between Alexis’s ribs. “A friend. You’re a friend.”
Referee Andy should have called the fight at this point, but he’s too busy making OMG-I-can’t-believe-this faces for the cameras, while most of the others, but particularly Gina and Emily are holding back laughter.
“Still, it’s a job,” Alexis weakly retorts.
“Oh, no, no, no,” Shannon says, like Popeye throwing back cans of spinach, getting stronger by the moment.
“Alexis, it’s your ‘career,’” she says, delivering the word career dripping with sarcasm.
“I’ve been on TV for 15 years, Shannon, five different shows,” Alexis counters.
“Ohhh!” Shannon thunders like Hera from “The Real Housewives of Mount Olympus.” “You’re a TV star!”