Most Useless Video Game Characters

As any gamer can attest to, characters in video games are touch-and-go for the most part. There are over-zealous NPCs who steal all the kills (so any COM character in Left 4 Dead 2), and there are characters who are so useless that it becomes more of a hindrance than a help to watch them lag behind at an excruciatingly slow pace and do the exact opposite of anything — and everything — remotely helpful. Unfortunately, many video games tend to feature characters who fall under the latter category, providing no coverage, no support, and no base-level intelligence. It’s almost as if these characters are trying to get themselves killed, or worse, make themselves so unbelievably difficult to protect and escort that the whole experience turns into something out of a babysitting simulator.

Not all characters outlive their usefulness, but there are a lot more practically pointless video game characters than meets the eye. Any gamer who has had the not so great pleasure of interacting with these useless video game characters will be able to confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are more of a nuisance than anything else, and they really don’t do much in hindsight.

7 Natalya (GoldenEye 007)

A Character Who Spends Most Of The Time Getting In The Way

For some gamers, it’s a no-brainer as to who the most useless video game characters are, especially if GoldenEye‘s Natalya immediately springs to mind. Aside from having a really long and really cool name (Natalya Fyodorovna Simonova), there isn’t a lot else to Natalya. She’s introduced as a talented hacker, who aids Bond on a few missions after their encounter in Bunker II, where both of them are being held captive. Bond manages to bust out and frees Natalya, whom he ends up smooching by the game’s end.

Though Bond develops a soft side for Natalya, that doesn’t mean that the player will, especially if they spend most of the game screaming at her to get out of the way. GoldenEye 007, like many co-op shooters, certainly benefits from an extra player — preferably of the human variety — as Natalya’s AI programming only makes her an additional obstacle to overcome and not really a valuable asset.

6 Sheva (Resident Evil 5)

Clunky AI Holds This Iconic Character Back

Sheva is one of the best parts of Resident Evil 5 (and there are a lot of “best” parts). But that doesn’t make her immune to uselessness. If Resident Evil 5 is played with a friend, the combat can feel a little too easy at times, but it’s a lot more rewarding than controlling Chris Redfield alongside an AI Sheva. Any Resident Evil 5 fans will know that Sheva’s AI is notoriously bad, and this is one of the game’s biggest shortcomings.

Everything else is near perfection, but there’s nothing more frustrating than burying MP5 bullets into a horde of zombies just for Sheva to stand right in the line of fire and block every single one. This isn’t to say that Chris’ AI isn’t just as clunky after beating the game and selecting Sheva as the player character, but for the sake of continuity, Sheva’s AI is often most criticized. Most of players wouldn’t have died to the Chainsaw Majini so many times if it weren’t for Sheva missing every shot, running out of ammo, then getting herself chainsawed. She’s an excellent and truly beloved character, but she isn’t all that smart or capable without someone else pulling the strings.

5 Magikarp (Pokemon)

Only Useful When It Evolves

One mustn’t be mislead by Magikarp’s potential; Gyarados, once Magikarp evolves, isn’t useless at all. However, Magikarp as a base Pokemon is embodies the definition of “useless.” First, trainers have to painstakingly level Magikarp to Lv. 20 in order for it to evolve into Gyrados, which — for a Pokemon with no moves outside of “Splash” — is really no small feat. It’s actually quite poetic for Magikarp to be looked down upon all of its life as an inferior Pokemon, only for Gyrados to unleash a brutal rage and annihilate everything around it. There’s no denying that Gyrados is a powerful addition to any trainer’s team, but the patience required to train Magikarp makes the investment less worthwhile and — honestly — pretty tedious.

Magikarp is one of the easiest Water-Type Pokemon to obtain, especially earlier in the games, as the trainer has no access to the move Surf and only earns a fishing rod after a few Gyms at least. Magikarp’s signature move, Splash, is singularly unique in Pokemon lore for having no effect on its opponent and doing basically nothing. It only really serves to propel Magikarp out of bodies of water, which makes it more vulnerable to airborne predators like Pidgeotto.

4 Donald Duck (Kingdom Hearts)

An Unreliable Healer

In combat scenarios, Donald is never around when Sora needs to be healed, he wastes all of his HP instantly, and renders himself useless rather than being inherently useless, like some other characters. And that’s only if Donald isn’t downed constantly. Oftentimes, when he isn’t struggling to find Sora to administer heals, he’s up and down like a yo-yo and acting as the damsel in distress instead of saving the real damsel — the player — in times of need. It’s another AI issue, as with Natalya and Sheva, but that doesn’t make it any less infuriating. Sometimes, all NPCs need to do is heal when needed, shoot/hit when needed, and remain seen and not heard.

Even Goofy manages to tank semi-decently and keep himself on his feet most of the time. As for Donald Duck, he may as well quit while he’s ahead, since a healer isn’t much good if they can’t heal. It’s a shame, really, since Donald is such a lovable character. None of his flaws take away from his value as an essential part of the Mickey Mouse lore, but he’s hopeless as a back-up in life-or-death situations.

3 Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4)

Escort Missions Are The Worst

There isn’t necessarily a “most useless character” contest, but if there was, Resident Evil 4‘s Ashley Graham might just snag the lead. She’s a significant part of Leon’s story, which just about anyone can appreciate to some degree, but she isn’t the most practical ally. Most players can tolerate being around Ashley for a maximum of 10 minutes at a time before she starts expertly grating on every single nerve. First, she constantly blocks doorways so that Leon can’t get through. Second, she apparently doesn’t understand how ladders work, so she falls down almost every time and triggers a long and disruptive cutscene. Resident Evil 4 serves as a poignant reminder of just how annoying escort missions can be, especially when Leon has limited control over Ashley’s actions and whereabouts.

He can tell her to hide in a dumpster or stand in a particular spot that enemies can’t easily access, but besides that, she makes everyone want to tear out their hair when she runs into trouble head-first and gets herself carried away. There’s no doubt that Ashley has incited a few rage-quits in her time. To make matters worse, there’s a good portion of Resident Evil 4 that requires Leon to protect Ashley with with no dumpsters and a lot of difficult enemies spawning. In other words, it’s a recipe for disaster.

2 Reverend Swanson (Red Dead Redemption 2)

Funny One-Liners Aren’t Everything

Reverend Orville Swanson isn’t one of the main focuses of Red Dead Redemption 2, nor does he particularly affect Arthur’s progression in any way. In the Horseshoe Overlook chapter, Arthur is sent off on a mission to find Swanson after he downs a bottle and goes missing near the train tracks. Arthur finds Swanson — drunk — playing poker with a few men in the train station and ends up saving him from an incoming train. Swanson pops up a few more times during the Saint Dennis, Guarma, and Beaver Hollow chapters, but he ultimately decides to depart after the Van der Linde gang’s collapse. Depending on Arthur’s Honor Level, Swanson gives him an assessment as to his psyche, his morality, and how he can find fulfillment throughout the remainder of his life. In the Epilogue, Charles informs John and Uncle that Reverend Swanson went on to become the minister of the First Congregational Church of New York.

Swanson isn’t an unlikable character — far from that — but he doesn’t serve any purpose in the Van der Linde gang’s endeavors. Even Tilly and Mary-Beth help out during a heist, and Molly plays an important role in the story’s progression. Plus, Strauss gives Arthur the opportunity to collect debts and fund the gang’s supplies. As for Swanson, he has a few entertaining lines of dialogue, but otherwise, it’s almost as if he’s not even there.

1 Paimon (Genshin Impact)

A Guide, A Translator, And A Nuisance

Paimon may be the “face” of Genshin Impact, but she actually doesn’t propel the story forward outside of stating the obvious at every opportunity. Essentially, Paimon just echoes everything the player character “says” or thinks. Other than that, Paimon is the punchline of several jokes or the source of a misplaced comment during one of Genshin‘s already painfully long dialogue scenes. She can’t engage in combat, unlike Goofy and Donald in Kingdom Hearts, and she isn’t essential to the story like Ashley Graham. In essence, Paimon just makes it easier for Genshin to verbalize the twin’s emotions while also headlining her voice actor, Corina Boettger.

Paimon is the game’s translator, but that gets tiresome after a while, since it would have been a lot more immersive for the twins to speak. While that wouldn’t be a viable option for a multiple-choice dialogue tree, most outcomes turn out to be identical anyhow. She’s supposed to serve as a guide, teaching the player character about the world of Teyvat and its inhabitants, but realistically, the game wouldn’t feel that much different if she wasn’t there.